


Do Black Cats Dream of Callowan Sheep?

by Pr_Marth



Category: A Practical Guide to Evil - erraticerrata
Genre: Amadeus doesn't deserve this, Cat isn't any easier to deal with when pint-sized, F/M, Family, Fluff, Humor, Hye "Doors are for scrubs" Su, I don't know where it's going either, M/M, Ranger no stop
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-12
Updated: 2018-11-21
Packaged: 2019-07-29 21:16:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16272503
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pr_Marth/pseuds/Pr_Marth
Summary: In the wake of the Conquest, the Ranger chooses to stay with the Black Knight. Somehow, this leads to the kidnapping of one Catherine Foundling from a Callowan orphanage. Parenthood has never been so easy. Humor.





	1. Prologue: Planned Parenthood

**Author's Note:**

> A Practical Guide to Evil belongs to the talented erraticerrata, not me. These characters are also not mine. In fact, the only thing that's mine is the idea and the writing.

**Prologue: Planned Parenthood**

Even after so many years, Amadeus of the Green Stretch mused, it still felt wrong on some level to walk up to what looked like a Praesi highborn’s home and simply open the door. It was always a slight surprise to see, instead of a troupe of angry nobles, an empty house that was exactly as he left it - because it was his.

Perhaps it was a sign that he ought to spend more time here. It would have the added effect of making it easier to find him, though Amadeus wasn’t entirely sure that was a good thing. Still, an empty house was -

No, it wasn’t empty.

Sitting in the dining room with her entire upper body slumped on the table was a woman with honey skin and pointed ears, hard to notice in the dark. A bow was set to the side, leaning against a table leg in a fashion that seemed careless, to one who didn’t know better. Amadeus knew better.

“Hye,” he greeted. “I didn’t think you were here. Is there a reason for sitting in a chair like a civilized person instead of ambushing me at my door again?” He pulled out a chair across the table and sat.

With an undignified grumble, Hye picked her head up off the tablecloth and stared at him sullenly. “Wekesa has a mini-me.”

Amadeus didn’t blink at the non sequitur, too used to her winding patterns of thought and the tendency of her words to go straight from her brain to her mouth. It was a part of who Hye was, the inability to be put in a neat box. It was one of the reasons he loved her, and also why, with each passing day, he grew more and more surprised that she came back to him at all, never mind so often.

That path of thought would get him nowhere, and was well-travelled besides, so instead Amadeus said, “Yes. He and his husband adopted a child two weeks ago. You knew this already, didn’t you?” It was inconceivable that she hadn’t found out until now.

Hye rolled her eyes, pushing back her chair to lean on an armrest. The legs made a loud screech in their scrape across the expensive wooden floor. “Obviously,” she said. “There’s a difference between knowing about it and actually, you know, holding the thing.”

“ … did you inform Wekesa or Tikoloshe before picking up the child?” Amadeus asked. These things were never certain, with her.

She flipped him off.

He stared, unruffled.

“Yeah, I did, alright?” Hye finally sighed. “It would’ve been hard to dodge in that small of a room, especially with how many wards or whatever they’ve got on that place.”

Amadeus pointedly did not react to that statement, instead choosing to continue on their path of conversation. “Are you feeling maternal urges, then?” he asked, carefully keeping his face expressionless. Today’s events hadn’t been particularly strenuous, so he believed he stood a fairly decent chance in the inevitable violent confrontation that would arise. Ten to one odds, perhaps.

Surprisingly, Hye didn’t answer, instead choosing to stare at a point somewhere above his left shoulder. Had the mostly-flippant question struck true? Amadeus knew for a fact that Hye had about one maternal bone in her body, and it was reserved entirely for her students in Refuge.

Ah. That … made sense, and he could hardly be shocked, either. He ignored his heart’s attempt to sink into his stomach. Naturally, with how she cared for her students - despite how little she showed it - the Ranger wouldn’t be satisfied with the sporadic visits she’d kept since the end of the Conquest. Even now, he couldn’t fathom why she ever came back, after leaving near the close of the bloody civil war. The Ranger was many things to many people, and he was only one of those people.

Amadeus gathered his thoughts before speaking, and when he did, he measured every word carefully. “I understand,” he said, “your obligation as a mentor, and I can hardly fault you for missing them. I would not keep you - not that I could, of course, should you not wish to be held - but the situation here in Praes - the role that one of the Calamities has - “

Hye slapped him. “Shut up,” she said, glaring.

He shut up.

“You’re not stupid, Maddy,” she continued. “I’m not going to just leave you, understood? Been there, tried that, didn’t work out. That wasn’t even what I was talking about!”

His cheek throbbed. It would bruise. He didn’t touch it.

“What, then?” Amadeus asked.

Hye sighed, looking away again, then kicking her feet up on the table. It was difficult to see in this light, and had he been an ordinary man, he would never even had the impression of it, but she seemed to be blushing, almost. That was extraordinarily odd.

“It got me thinking,” she said.

“Always a dangerous prospect.”

“I know you want me to pound your face into the dirt again, but listen first. It got me thinking,” Hye repeated. “Kids are … the brats back in Refuge aren’t kids, not like that one they stole off the streets is.”

Amadeus refrained from correcting her assumption of either adoption processes or Wekesa’s adoption processes.

Hye sighed, fiddling with the hilt of one of her swords. Rather unlike her to hold back her words, but he could sense that speaking now would not help her.

“What do you think of children?” she asked, finally.

An idea was starting to form in his mind, and Amadeus carefully set it aside before it could fully coalesce. “Children are important,” he said slowly. “They … the next generation represents hope. Hope for change, for something new and better. I personally oversaw the reorganization of the orphanages in Callow.”

“Not like that. Everyone from here to the Free Cities knows about your ideas,” said Hye. “What I meant was - specifically. Not as an general thing.”

The idea in the back of his mind was growing, despite his best attempts to stifle it. “Wekesa’s child seems tolerable,” Amadeus told her. “Difficult to tell at that age, as always. I prefer not to be around the ones that are completely incapable of regulating their own bodily functions yet. I have no great opinion apart from that, because every child is different.”

“Hmm.” Hye fell silent.

In his life, Amadeus of the Green Stretch had done many dangerous things, as most anyone with functioning eyes could attest. With this experience in mind, therefore, he treated his next words with as much caution as he had taken when planning the death of a Dread Emperor.

“Do you want a child?” he asked.

No sudden movement to decapitate him arose, surprisingly enough. Nor one to put an arrow through his throat, or even to slap him again.

“Maybe,” Hye said, finally.

There was a moment of silence.

Faster than his eyes could follow, she snatched up her bow and dashed to the nearest window. It wasn’t open, but that fact could hardly stop Ranger from making a swift exit. Amadeus thought she muttered something about Callowan orphanages on her way out.

Amadeus looked around the dark house.

“Perhaps I ought to take Alaya up on the offer to find some staff for this place, after all,” he said to no one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this idea hit me and I thought that the fandom deserved both more fanfic and some comedy. Catherine also deserves some happiness, dubious parenting aside. I hope any readers enjoy my writing, and leave comments or kudos if they feel so inclined. :)


	2. A Practical Guide to Adoption

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Where Babies Come From

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The following is a fan-based work of parody. A Practical Guide to Evil belongs to erraticerrata. Please support the official release. But seriously, if somehow you're here and haven't already read it, go read it. It's good.

**A Practical Guide to Adoptio** n

“Hye.”

“Yes?”

“Where did you get that child?”

“From the shop,” said Hye. She was smirking. “Where else?”

Pinching the bridge of his nose, Amadeus dismissed the orc legionnaire he was speaking to, who seemed to be doing his best impression of a goldfish. His best wasn’t particularly good, but that was entirely beside the point. He grabbed Hye’s wrist, careful to not disrupt her hold on the tiny child in her arms, and started walking.

Once they were in a more secluded portion of the barracks, he turned to deal with his latest headache. “Orphanages,” Amadeus began, “are not shops where you purchase children.”

“Pshh. They are, though. You pick up a kid, you pay them. That’s a shop.”

“ … please tell me that you filled out the paperwork.” At the very least, she hadn’t kidnapped a child from its parents.

“What? Paperwork?” Hye wrinkled her nose, busy examining the child in her arms. To Amadeus, it seemed female, and judging by its coloring, Deoraithe, with the tanned skin typical of those living in that province. Toddler age or so, too.

“Did you at least tell the person responsible for the orphanage that you were adopting one of their charges?” Amadeus asked, his voice taking on a tinge of desperation.

Hye turned the child upside down and shook it, as a response. That was enough, as Amadeus finally snapped and snatched the tiny girl out of her arms before permanent damage could be done. Surprisingly, it hadn’t begun wailing in the manner toddlers do. Unfortunately, this was because its mouth was occupied with chewing on his hair. He sighed.

“I think she would’ve noticed the broken window, at least?” Hye said. It took a moment to realize what she was responding to. Amadeus made a mental note to tell Scribe to assign additional tax money to the Ranger Collateral Damage Fund.

“It shouldn’t matter. This one wanted to come along. All the other ones were hiding in closets or something like that, but not this one. Isn’t that right?” Hye smiled disturbingly and leaned down to tickle the child’s stomach. The child kicked her in the eye.

Perhaps he could forgive the slobber in his hair.

“Please tell me you at least know her name.” If anyone had been watching, they might have said that Amadeus begged - but no one was, and besides, the Black Knight didn’t beg.

“Um.” Hye fiddled with her bow’s string. “It might have been… Lily?”

Before the farce could progress even further, the child he was holding - and was this the correct way to hold a child, anyhow? - spat out a few black hairs and proved itself capable of speech. “Name Cath’rine,” it - she - said.

“Catherine,” repeated Hye.

Amadeus sighed. “Do you recall from which orphanage you acquired this girl?”

“It was in Laure,” she said.

“ … and?”

“I think there were only girls there. Was hard to tell, with how they were cowering.”

“The Laure House for Tragically Orphaned Girls, then,” he said. He’d spent enough time filling out paperwork for orphanage renovations to remember the name of every one that crossed his desk. Sometimes, a good memory was not a blessing. “I suppose I can send Eudokia to make sure things are smoothed over.”

Hye stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “The Scribe? You’re sending Scribe for that?”

Amadeus went over his words again in his mind. “Upon second thought,” he said, “I believe that the matron of the orphanage is better off unvanished.” He hardly wanted to go through the trouble of finding another. Alaya had determined that, because the orphanages were his pet project, he should take care of everything to do with them. Everything. The woman could be evil, sometimes.

Hye was snickering at him. Little Catherine started laughing too, the sound light and bubbly. Something in his chest felt tight, and Amadeus looked down with a sigh. Somehow, returning the girl had never been an option, even from the start.

“I ought to visit, then,” he decided. “It is … regrettable that I have to to leave my duties here -”

“You stuck a knife into your desk earlier.”

“Regrettable. That I have to leave,” Amadeus repeated through gritted teeth. “I am sure that I can entrust Catherine’s care to -”

“Nope,” said Hye, already running off.

“Use the door!” he called after her futilely.

“Get Sabah to take care of her!” was the returned shout. A few seconds later came the sound of cracking wood, coming from the direction of the ceiling.

The child in Amadeus’ arms was staring at him. He stared back.

“Sabah is with her family,” he told her. “What am I supposed to do with you? I can hardly subject you to another trip across the continent. Travelling with Hye once is already too much for any but the most resilient of souls.”

Catherine stared up at him, face pudgy and scrunched adorably. After a few seconds of scrutiny, she declared, “Tall,” and resumed chewing his hair.

Amadeus laughed softly, surprising himself.

* * *

Sabah was worried.

These days, that wasn’t normal. It felt like it’d been no time at all since those days where it was normal, though intellectually she knew the years that had passed were hardly a short time. It was easier to move on when she was with her family, but that brought her back to the reason why she was worried.

Amadeus had sent a messenger to her with a letter asking for her presence. An urgent matter, said the message, but not an emergency. That wasn’t exactly reassuring, considering the types of things he could get himself into without considering how hard it’d be to get out. So she reluctantly said her goodbyes and made her way to the heart of Praes again.

She’d been winding herself into knots the whole way to Ater, so it was a happy surprise to be met with a whole and healthy Black Knight upon her arrival. No missing limbs, no mysterious disease leaving him bedridden, no giant army on his heels calling for his blood, no prank war with Warlock involving the entire city. Again.

He was holding a weirdly shaped bundle of cloths and blankets, though. It didn’t look like any kind of weapon, and he wouldn’t go through all this trouble to give her a gift.

The bundle moved.

“Amadeus,” Sabah said slowly, “where did you get that?”

He winced, shifting his hold on what was obviously a kid. “In the interest of accuracy, it was Hye who ‘got it’, as you say.”

“That’s even worse.”

“An orphanage in Laure,” Amadeus sighed. “Incidentally, this is the reason I asked for your presence. I need to travel there to fix the legalities of this situation, and the list of people I would trust with Catherine here is distressingly short.”

Already attached to the little kid, then. Sabah hid a smirk. “That’s the only reason you’re going by yourself, huh?” she asked. “Nothing to do with the mountain of things that need your signature?”

“Eudokia will take care of it while I’m away.”

“I thought so.”

“To be fair,” he said, “that is, at most, a third of my motivation.” He handed the kid - Catherine - over to her, which was how Sabah noticed he was holding her completely wrong. Like a glass statue or something.

Sabah stared down at the child’s face. Couldn’t be even two years old yet. “This means I get to teach you something for once,” she said.

He rolled his eyes. “Yes, poke fun at the poor Black Knight, finally laid low by childcare. At the very least, Hye might stop the property damage around a child.”

“You know she only does that because it gets to you like that,” Sabah grunted, brushing dark brown hairs off the tiny Catherine’s face. Somehow, miraculously, she was asleep.

“Well, partly,” Amadeus said. “Praes - all of this - it chafes at her, and though it’s expensive, I can understand why. Far better than killing off legionnaires.” He sighed. “I don’t understand, to be honest.”

“What don’t you get?”

“Why she keeps coming back, or stays at all. I know she longs to roam the world and hunt those worth hunting once more.”

Sabah stared.

“ … yes?”

“Are you kidding,” she said. “You two basically run off the power of love, like those heroes you keep killing together. Actually, that’s a romantic date for you two.”

“That’s entirely -”

“A kid, Amadeus.” Sabah walked over to pat him on the head, ignoring the murderous scowl he shot her way. “Anyway. Why didn’t you leave her with ‘Kesa and his husband?”

“I saw Masego chewing on a severed finger earlier,” Amadeus admitted. “I hesitate to call them responsible, though I am certain they are doing their best.”

“Aw, look at you. Already a responsible dad.”

Amadeus turned and left.

Sabah looked down at the tiny girl in her arms, who was now awake and blinking wide dark eyes at her. “Hello, Catherine,” she told her. “I guess I’m your Aunt Sabah.”

“Aun’ Sa’?” said Catherine.

“Close enough.”

* * *

  **Omake**

Amadeus glared at the woman cowering under her desk. This candidate had seemed a lot more promising on paper.

“Once again,” he said, “I’m here to talk about the girl named Catherine, who vanished -”

“Please don’t kill me!” the woman blubbered. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I wasn’t paying close enough attention, I’ll do better from now on, just let me live!” The rest of the words dissolved into incoherent sobbing.

Amadeus prevented himself from sighing through sheer force of will. He could feel the beginnings of a migraine coming on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thinking of chapters being non-chronological, so I can jump between really small and medium sized Cat easily. Lots of shenanigans, not enough patience for chronology. Anyway, thanks for reading. :)


	3. Parental Expectations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Raising kids right is easy. Isn't it? Alternate Title: Don't Take That Drink, The Man Needs It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This humble Citizen of Peerless Bellerophon Does Not Own A Practical Guide to Evil, for to Claim it is Raising a Citizen over their Fellows, and As Such Promotes Inequality. A Practical Guide to Evil, by the Will of the People, Belongs to the People, which in this case is EE.

**Parental Expectations**

“The tiger has sighted her prey, which seems so far unaware of her presence. This inattentiveness might be the death of him, as the Cat stalks forward silently, focused on one thing and one thing only. She gets ready to pounce -”

Masego dropped his picture book and wailed as a tiny projectile collided with him, sending both toddlers falling to the ground in a ball of limbs and hair. After a short tumble, Catherine was crowing victoriously from atop her seat on the boy’s back.

“Alright, alright, that’s enough.” A handsome, dark-haired man snatched up Catherine before her impromptu throne could start throwing a tantrum in earnest. “Well, let’s be fair, now,” Tikoloshe muttered to himself. He shifted his hold to one arm, making room to pick up Masego with the other. The children began pulling faces at each other.

From a safe distance away, the terrifying Warlock, Sovereign of the Red Skies, most powerful mage of his generation, was smiling fondly at the scene.

“True love, Wekesa?” his companion said, pale green eyes amused.

“Don’t you have work to be doing, Maddy?” Wekesa shot back.

Amadeus coughed. “I’ve asked Eudokia to take care of it all for now. Her version of my signature looks more authentic than mine does.”

“So that’s why she’s been so annoyed at you. You’ve been foisting all of your work onto her.”

Fortunately, Amadeus was saved from having to answer that awkward question by an incubus dumping a child in his lap.

“Take her for a bit,” said Tikoloshe, smirking. “Fatherly duties and all that. I have to change Masego.” He planted an overly dramatic kiss on his husband’s cheek, then walked off to an adjacent room.

“Isn’t that your second storage room?”

“I cleaned it out.”

“Did you?”

“I did,” Wekesa insisted. “Well, mostly, at least. Somewhat. I believe.”

An angry demonic screech emanated from the direction Tikoloshe had gone, before being cut off by a thump and a low mutter. Masego started crying, loudly and obnoxiously in the manner that toddlers did.

A moment later, after an exchange of worried glances, Tikoloshe’s voice rose above the wailing. “Darling, you didn’t clean out the second mirror! We need to have some words!”

Wekesa winced.

“Mad,” Catherine giggled, and began thumping on Amadeus’ chest. Her poor victim picked her up and held her at arm’s length, eyeing her with a thoughtful expression.

“You have that look on your face again. You’re having one of your ideas, aren’t you?”

“My ideas have always been -”

“Nox, Amadeus. Remember Nox?”

Amadeus paused. “We had agreed to not speak of that again.”

“Speak of what?” Tikoloshe asked, finally returning. A freshly changed Masego - who had miraculously calmed down - was dozing in his arms. The sudden change was a bit suspicious, but no one in the room felt inclined to look closer.

“Nox,” said Wekesa, “and how Amadeus’ ideas ought to be subject to scrutiny.”

“Oh, with the fifty-second layer of hell?”

“My friends are all turning on me,” Amadeus lamented. “Woe is me. I have been betrayed. I only have my own wits and this child here left to my name.”

Catherine squirmed out of his arms and started crawling away on the ground, making her way towards Tikoloshe. “Zeze,” she demanded, stretching her arms up. The bearer of ‘Zeze’ smiled indulgently and set Masego on the ground next to her, before exiting the room again.

“I’m going to clean that room out,” Tikoloshe said. “Don’t let that child die. Keep an eye on Masego and Catherine, too.”

Amadeus groaned and collapsed against the back of his chair.

Wekesa elbowed him. “Stop that. What was your idea, anyhow?”

“Heroism,” muttered the Black Knight, straightening up. “The children, you see. The stories?”

“I don’t follow.”

“Think of it like this,” Amadeus sighed. “The evil empire has won the war. The people most responsible for the victory have mostly settled down to enjoy a - from some perspectives undeserved - peace, more or less. They’ve even had children. Now, these children are being raised in the heart of this evil empire, by some of the most villainous parents possibly found on the continent.”

“Ah,” said Wekesa. He looked down at Masego, who was still suspiciously quiet, even in the face of Catherine’s incessant prodding. “Well. The danger is greater in your case, anyway. You kidnapped her from the conquered nation.”

“That was Hye,” came the grumbled response.

“Holding the Ranger accountable for her actions is like trying to bypass Keter’s Due. While trying to teleport an army.”

“I feel as if we’re getting off the original topic.”

Wekesa shrugged. “You’ve always been the one with an eye for stories, Amadeus. I know you must have at least ten ideas already, if you’ve brought this up with anyone else.”

“Theoretically, the best method is simple enough. Raise them well, provide for them, be loving. Keep moral dilemmas away during formative years. Create attachments to the Empire and its works,” Amadeus said. “In my case, I also have to ensure Catherine learns well about her heritage, though not in a way that would give her sympathies to any rebellion against her home.”

“In short,” Wekesa surmised, “be responsible parents.”

“We’ve done harder things.”

* * *

 

“Now,” the Ranger said, “this is a knife. The pointy end goes into other people, or anything you want, really.” She dangled a wicked, curved knife in front of a wide-eyed Catherine, who cooed and grabbed for it.

“No, no. We don’t hold the end that goes into others. We hold the other end.”

She flipped the blade around and offered the hilt to her recently-acquired daughter, who took it with a shriek of glee. Catherine then proceeded to swing it in a wild arc in Hye’s direction.

“Exactly!” Hye praised, bleeding from a shallow cut across her cheek. “Good job.”

When she went to take the knife back, Catherine stuck her tongue out and refused. “No,” she said. “Mine.”

Hye smiled, full of teeth, and pet her on the head like a dog. “They learn so young. Let me get you a sheath for that.”

A window was left swinging open in the wind.

* * *

 

“How’s being a dad treating you?”

Amadeus held up a finger and drained the rest of his glass of cheap liquor before answering. “I take it you heard.”

Sabah grunted. “Surprised it got that far.”

“It was one man acting by himself. No prior sympathies. He recently had some sort of mental break upon hearing the news that the Calamities were, I quote, breeding.” He examined the label on the mostly-empty bottle. Alaya would never have been caught dead with something of such low quality, but it was the first thing he’d found.

“He been executed yet?”

“Not yet,” Amadeus sighed, “but the sentence has been passed. He wept with joy upon hearing it. It seems as though Hye’s brand of child education is a lot less pleasant for the object of demonstration than the learner.”

“Look on the bright side,” Sabah said, leaning over to pat him on the back in a manner oddly reminiscent of a stone golem leaning over an apprentice conjurer. “Least you know she’s stabby enough to survive around here. And a quick learner, to boot.”

“Is raising a child meant to be so difficult?”

“Black Knight, finally beaten by a spouse and a child,” she snarked. “You’re the one who shacked up with Ranger. You can’t complain.”

“All my friends,” Amadeus said, pouring himself another glass of rubbing alcohol. “Betrayal on all sides. Knives in my back.”

“But not in your front. Or side. Or face, ears, hands, legs, feet, eyes … ”

“How did this happen? My life used to be simpler. More straightforward. I made the messes, and now I’m the one cleaning them up.” He gazed sorrowfully into the distance.

“That’s enough,” Sabah said, and took both his glass and the bottle. “Used to be simpler, sure. I think it’s better now, right?”

Amadeus quieted. “ … yes,” he said. “I believe it is.”

Sabah ruffled his hair. It was a sign how how much he’d drunk that his efforts to remove her were uncoordinated and clumsy.

“It’s worth it,” she told him.

* * *

 

**Omake**

“And if you cut this, then their legs will be crippled forever, or at least until they see a good healer. That’s why you follow them and hamstring the healer, too.”

“Ooh. Knife?”

“Yes, you knife anyone who tries to help them. That’s the whole point of letting one go - it lets them lead you back to their nest.”

A wailing shriek emanated from what was barely recognizable as the intruder of an hour ago.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Personally, I think stabby mom is best mom. Amadeus can't even chew her out much for irresponsible parenting, in this case. Give small children weapons, guys. You heard it here first. :)


	4. Field Trip Safety, Part I

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: This Is How You Know She's Going Places

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly, given EE's update speed, I don't think I'd want to own A Practical Guide to Evil, even if I could. I'd just end up disappointing the readers, and you know we can't have that. Readers are all-seeing and judge everything in their sight.

**Field Trip Safety, Part I**

“Where’s mom?”

Amadeus sighed and put down his pen. “Your mother left in the middle of the night yesterday to go pick a fight with some hero called the Saint of Swords.”

“Oh,” said Catherine. “Where’s Aunt Sabah?”

“She is currently spending time with her husband for their anniversary. I believe they’re vacationing in the countryside.”

“What’s a anni-versy?” she asked.

“Anniversary,” Amadeus corrected. “The time of year when something important happened in the past. In this case, the anniversary of their marriage.”

Catherine chewed on a strand of hair, digesting that. “When’s yours and mom’s?”

Several seconds went by without a response. Amadeus stood up from his desk, shoving the chair into its place with more force than was strictly needed. In anyone else, the gesture might have been seen as stalling, but that was ridiculous - the Black Knight surely did not need to do something like that.

“When is it?” Catherine repeated.

“We don’t have one,” came the short reply.

“Why?”

“We aren’t married.”

“Why?”

“Catherine, would you like to go on a trip to the War College?”

She stared at him, far more judgementally than a child her age ought to be able to.

* * *

 

Despite his offhand invitation, the grand opening of the War College was an important social event, with both Praesi highborn and military officers in attendance. Unfortunately, given Sabah’s prior occupation, Wekesa’s complete lack of interest, and Hye’s … adventure, Amadeus was the only one of the Calamities visibly in attendance, which led to an inordinate amount of people attempting to curry his favor. Not so obviously, of course, but it was still grating. He’d thought he’d made his opinion on such things clear. A repeat performance was needed in the near future.

At least Catherine wasn’t one to throw tantrums at crowds. The more he saw Wekesa’s misadventures in parenting, the more he was grateful that his own acquisition was comparatively calm-spirited.

The worst part, however, were the nobles with children who had caught wind of his bringing Catherine along, and decided to bring their own spawn. Objectively, Amadeus could see their thought processes, but he privately hoped Catherine would show her own developing temperament and knock a few of the miniatures into the dirt. She was still at the age where it could be explained as enthusiastic roughhousing, he thought.

At least not all the company was intolerable. From the corner of his eye, Amadeus saw Istrid Knightsbane pushing her way through the crowd towards him, followed by a smaller orc. He glanced down at what seemed to be her daughter, before looking back up to see a toothy, mocking grin pointed at him. 

He rolled his eyes. “Hello, Istrid. You as well?”

The orc clapped him over the shoulders, her hand large enough to cover half of his back. “No idea what you’re talking about. By the way, this here is my daughter, Juniper.”

Amadeus sighed, though not without nodding briefly at the orc girl. “I suppose she’ll be entering the College once she’s of that age.”

“Yes, and then we’ll see if this place you thought up is all it’s cracked up to be.”

“Unfortunately, I couldn’t manage to convince Wekesa to spend his precious time teaching ‘imbeciles’, as he said. If your daughter dreams of being a mage, you’ll have to search elsewhere to have her be taught High Arcana.”

“Ha, ha,” Istrid grumbled. “Laugh all you want, I’m not the one that’s lost his kid.”

Amadeus whipped around, eyes widening as he realized that Catherine was missing. “How long has she been gone?” he demanded.

“She’s over there,” Juniper told him, pulling on his sleeve. He followed her pointing arm to across the courtyard, to where Catherine was arguing with a pretty gold-eyed Soninke girl around her age.

“Isn’t that -” Istrid started.

“That’s the Sahelian family’s newest heir,” Amadeus confirmed with a grim face, moving in that same direction. “At the very least, that crone Tasia hasn’t noticed.”

Immediately after that statement, the aforementioned Lady Sahelian swept over to the children in a swirl of ostentatious robes. “Akua,” she greeted her daughter. “I see you’ve made a friend.”

The now-named Akua turned to her mother and frowned slightly, already too dignified a five to make faces or anything so childish. “Mother, this is Catherine,” she said. “She is the Black Knight’s daughter. Catherine, this is my mother, Lady Tasia Sahelian.”

Catherine scrunched her nose, seemingly attempting to remember the correct greeting. “Nice to meet you,” she finally said, attempting a curtsey. Unfortunately, the curtsey was fated to remain an attempt, as she tripped over an uneven patch of ground and fell onto her behind.

Amadeus, having arrived at last, quickly scooped up the red-faced child and set her on her feet again. “Catherine,” he said, “don’t run off like that.” He brushed some dirt off her back.

“‘Cause strange people are dangerous and I can’t stab these ones?” she asked.

“Yes, exactly,” he said.

“Oh, my,” said Lady Sahelian. “Your daughter certainly seems quite spirited. Though I must say, she doesn’t seem well versed in socializing with her fellows. Surely you’ve introduced her to other families of high standing by now, considering her age.”

“Childhood is precious,” Amadeus said, eyes narrowed. “There will be plenty of time in the future for Catherine to learn of the … intricacies of court politics.”

“Of course. I didn’t mean to imply anything untoward about your parenting. It’s simply that I feel that girls like ours ought to have a chance to meet and create friendships.”

“Yes, naturally. And I suppose you have plenty of ideas about which people Catherine could create these friendships with.”

“I only mean to say that she is going to grow up with a very high standing, you know. It’s good to have allies already present for when she ventures into deeper waters.”

Unbeknownst to the parents, the children were having their own discussion, slowly meandering away through the crowd while speaking.

“So, Catherine,” Akua began.

“I told you, don’t call me that. That’s what my dad calls me.”

“Cat?” Akua tried. “Hm, though you are rather small for your age. A small cat is a kitten.”

“I’m not short,” Catherine grumbled.

“Kitten it is.”

The shorter girl made a sound of wordless fury and grabbed for Akua’s elaborately braided hair, eliciting a high pitched noise and physical efforts to remove her.

“This is undignified! Let go of me!”

“No! Your eyes are a weird color anyway, you don’t get to make fun of me!”

“My eye color is a result of strict breeding -”

“Oh, so you’re the cat, right? Or the dog?”

“You guys shouldn’t be fighting,” said Juniper, who had appeared out of nowhere while they were distracted. From a distance over her shoulder, Istrid was watching with a slight smirk, making no move to intervene.

“Shut up!” the two girls said in unison.

* * *

 

“You realize, Amadeus, that you can’t pin this all on Tasia and her child. At least half of it was your fault.”

Amadeus continued staring blankly at a piece of the wall. Visions of green fire consuming half the College were still dancing behind his eyes.

“It’s also a sign that you need to find a better place to store the munitions.”

Screams. The sound of crumbling stone walls. Smoke filling his nose.

“I am curious, though. I know it wasn’t real goblinfire, so how did your daughter pull this off?”

“I don’t know, Alaya,” he whispered, before suddenly seizing the arms of the terrifying Dread Empress Malicia. “I don’t know! I don’t know, you understand?”

Alaya smirked, a mere twitch of her lips. “You’re responsible for overseeing the reconstruction.”

A jumbled mess of vocalizations came from Amadeus’ throat. An acute observer might have generously called them the words ‘evil woman’.

Behind them, the door slammed open, revealing a pint-sized terror.

“I don’t like Akua,” Catherine announced, scowling.

* * *

 

**Omake**

“Are you unharmed?” Tasia asked, carefully checking over her daughter for any signs of damage. “What exactly happened here?”

“A disagreement,” said Akua, straightening her singed hair.

“Oh? Of what sort?” An elegant eyebrow raised.

“Unimportant,” she said. “I’m sure we can put it behind us, Mother. I like Catherine.” She smiled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> By the way, yes, you saw that Part I there. There will be a chapter after an indefinite period of time involving another Exciting Field Trip ft. Kitten, except this time with the other parent. I'm sure it'll go much better.


	5. Field Trip Safety, Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alternate title: Atypical Hiring Processes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own, don't own, don't own. Do not own any of this except my ideas. Of which there are many, most of them demented.

**Field Trip Safety, Part II**

“Where’s dad?”

“He and Scribe are busy murdering the latest batch of heroes out near Liesse,” Hye grumbled. “Couldn’t even wait for me to get back.” She continued aggressively sharpening one of her swords, nearly knocking off Catherine from her perch on her shoulders.

“How many are there this time?” Catherine asked.

“Five. It’s always five. Grab my other sword, kitten?”

“I told you, don’t call me that. Akua called me that and I don’t like her.” Nevertheless, the other sword was duly fetched.

“One day you’ll get to stab her to death,” Hye promised, taking the blade.

Catherine’s gaze was caught by a ring on her fingers - unusual, because Ranger was hardly one for fancy jewelry. “What’s that?” she asked, pointing.

Hye glanced down, then turned her hand to show off the eye that was set in place of a jewel. “This? Just a ring.”

“Whose eye is that?” Catherine asked, commencing a staring contest with said eye.

“Some douchebag fae prince. Nightfall, I think it was.” Hye flashed her a sharp smile. “He can never keep it from me.”

Catherine frowned. “I don’t think that’s nice,” she said. “Uncle Tikoloshe was telling Zeze how taking other people’s things that they don’t want you to take isn’t nice.” She paused, then confided, “I’m not sure Zeze got it, but I did.”

Hye ruffled her hair, ignoring the offended yelp that elicited. “Tell you what, kitten. If you want, you can go return it.” She slid the ring off her finger and handed it to her daughter, whose eyes were watering.

“Where does he live?”

“Arcadia.”

Annoyed at the eye’s resolution in not blinking, Catherine briefly covered it with a hand and decided that was a blink, making her the winner of the staring contest. Only then did she move on to contemplating where exactly Arcadia was. She didn’t know, but there was an easy way to find out things she didn’t know.

“I’m going to Zeze’s dad’s tower,” she announced.

“Have fun,” Hye said, over the scraping of metal on stone. “Still think he’s compensating for something… “

Catherine left quietly. This involved bumping into a corner table and then tripping into the door, but considering nothing was actually broken, it was quiet compared to her mother’s exits.

* * *

Masego had his nose buried in a book when Catherine arrived, ignorant of the entire world beyond the pages. She glanced at the words, then dismissed them as complicated magic stuff, and announced her presence by jumping on him. The boy made a hilarious squeal as he collapsed on the floor.

“Don’t do that,” he complained, voice muffled by the carpet.

“If you didn’t look so close at the book, you would’ve noticed me,” she told him. “Get glasses. Anyway, I have a question.”

Masego sighed and fetched his book, straightening the rumpled pages before glaring at Catherine. “What now?”

“What’s Arcadia?”

“That’s where the fae live.”

Catherine stuck her tongue out. “Yeah, I know that.” She left out the fact that she only knew that because Hye had told her earlier. “I mean, where is it? C’mon, you’re supposed to be smart.”

“I am, at least compared to the rest of you,” Masego grumbled. He rolled his eyes and looked irritated at her, but she knew he wasn’t really mad. “It’s not in Creation.”

“Oh.” She considered that. “So you can’t get there? That doesn’t make any sense.”

“Of course you can get there,” said Masego. “Look, we can go ask Father. He’s in his lab.”

At that statement, Catherine came to an abrupt stop in her motion. “His lab? Uh, I mean, we can wait, right? I don’t wanna get covered in eyeballs and weird goo again.”

“No. You’re the one that came in here and bothered me. You get to go in first.” Masego then proceeded to physically drag her along. He wasn’t actually strong enough to move her, but she didn’t try all that hard to stop him so he could feel better about himself.

* * *

 “Arcadia?” Wekesa repeated. “Yes, I actually had a portal open yesterday to run some tests on the differences between atmospheric conditions. It shouldn’t be that hard to reopen.”

“You never closed it,” Tikoloshe called from across the room. He was busy keeping the lid of a pot closed on something inside that did not appreciate the lid being kept closed. Metal rattled as he hauled it into a closet.

“I thought I did. Ah, it doesn’t matter.” Wekesa sighed. “Why are you interested in Arcadia so suddenly?”

“Mom was talking about fae,” Catherine said quickly. “I wanted to, uh, learn about how they’re different from people. And stuff.” She stuffed the ring deeper into her pocket.

Wekesa peered at her suspiciously. “And not out of any sort of desire to knife one in the back?”

She shook her head as Masego scoffed from behind her. “Nope. No stabbing fae. Not for me.”

“‘Kesa! Could use some help here!” Tikoloshe called. There was a series of ominous thumps inside the closet. “I keep telling you to clean out this closet before this happens again!”

A sigh, and Warlock was hurrying off, looking like any other harried husband. “Portal is in the standard room,” he said. “Make sure she doesn’t do anything idiotic, Masego.”

Catherine promptly dragged Masego off. The latter child was too busy grumbling about the impossibility of that request to protest. 

* * *

 

“These people aren’t very nice,” Catherine stage-whispered. Masego ignored her, too caught up in the study of the fae city’s impossible architecture. She grumbled.

“Hey, you!” she called, grabbing onto the robe of a passing fae, one that looked important. He was dark-skinned and gave off the impression of looking down his nose at everything. The clothes felt like ice and wind, but somehow solid.

His green eyes widened in surprise before glazing over. “What is it, young one?” he said, voice toneless.

“I’m looking for a prince person. I have to return this.” Catherine showed her the piece of macabre jewelry that she was clutching tightly. “I forget his name, though,” she admitted.

“You never knew it,” Masego muttered absentmindedly.

“Shut up.”

“You search for the Prince of Nightfall, child,” said the fae. “I might show you the way, yes, but he is a dangerous -”

“Blah blah, ‘not to be trifled with lightly’ and all that,” Catherine muttered, in an eerily accurate impression of a certain Black Knight. “Come on. Please?” she asked, wide-eyed.

A pause. “If that is your wish.”

* * *

 The Prince of Nightfall was a thin, darkly-dressed man with black hair, who muttered something about “reeking of the Waning Woods” before he turned stiff like all the other fae the children had run into in their trip.

Catherine discreetly sniffed herself. She couldn’t smell anything, but maybe it was special fae noses that had them act weird because she smelled bad to them.

“I’m here to give your eye back,” she announced, holding out the ring.

Nightfall stared at her.

Masego stared at the fae prince.

The eye set in the ring blinked.

Catherine coughed and elbowed Masego. “It’s polite to say hi,” she whispered.

“If you didn’t have anything on you to take notes on all the violations of Creation’s laws while running around Arcadia, you wouldn’t be polite either,” Masego replied.

Before she could correct him, Nightfall finally made a response. “I thank you, child,” he said, but made no move to take the offering. “Your heart is kind as well as brave,” he continued, looking like he was swallowing a lemon, “for your journey must have been a difficult one.”

“It wasn’t, though,” she told him, before he could continue rambling. “My arm kind of hurts, just take it.”

Nightfall blinked, and finally seemed to shake himself out of the weird state all the fae had been in. He grabbed the ring out of her outstretched hand, then proceeded to stare at her like Masego’s dad stared at his jars of weird stuff. “Who are you?” he asked at last.

“Catherine. And that’s Masego there. Say hi already, Zeze.”

“Hi already.”

“Do you know a woman -” The fae shook his head. “No, you must. What is your relationship to the woman known as Ranger?”

“She’s my mom,” Catherine told him.

The Prince of Nightfall took a long step back. “You - never mind. What do you want in return for this?” he asked, grimacing.

“Um. Nothing really?”

“I insist.”

“It was just the nice thing to do. Mom shouldn’t have just taken it, that was kind of mean.”

“Be as that may,” sighed the fae, “I do insist on returning the favor in some way.”

Before Catherine could protest again, Masego elbowed her in the side, like she was fond of doing to him. Except Masego had trouble holding his stacks of books for more than two seconds and a quick run left him exhausted, so she barely felt it.

“This is one of those people things you keep saying I’m bad at,” he said, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose. She wanted to slap him for how smug it looked, but refrained. “Their culture is different from yours, so if you say no, you’re being rude.”

Catherine blinked. And thought.

“My dad always complains about there not being enough people around to babysit me,” she offered.

Somehow, the already-pale fae whitened even further, to the point where he looked like a sheet of paper.

* * *

  **Omake**

“Hye?” Amadeus said.

“Yes?”

“Who is watching Catherine right now?” he asked calmly.

“Oh, don’t worry about it,” Hye replied, wiping down her blades with an already brightly-stained cloth. “I told Larat to be responsible with her.”

“I was under the impression that neither of us knew a person by that name.”

She shrugged. “Well, you were wrong. She’s perfectly safe, don’t worry so much. She’s old enough to be defending herself by now anyway. Now let’s go before this last hero finds his way out of this forest.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Re: the delay. I got a bunch of games for the Halloween Steam sale, and one thing led to another and now I have over 140 hours on Dark Souls 3. Don't worry, I'm still alive for now. :)


End file.
